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embers of the group to keep up the parodyfor their dear lives' sakewe all say good
night and go home.
Nelson's wife kisses me at parting. We all kiss each otherone big happy familythough I
knowand they knowthat any member of this group could fall out of it tomorrowfrom failure
or drunkenness or unconformityand never be seen again. Nelson's wife's kiss on my cheeks-
first leftthen rightis half warm and genuineas if to say: I'm sorrywe can't help itit's nothing
to do with you; and half exploratoryas if to say: I want to know what you've got for Nelson that
I haven't.
And we even exchange glancesironic and bittersaying: Wellit's got nothing to do with
either of usnot really,ugg clearance!
The kiss makes me uncomfortableneverthelessand I feel an impostor. Because I was
realising something I should have known by using my intelligencewithout ever having gone to
their flat at all: that the ties between Nelson and his wife are bitterly closeand never to be
broken in their lives. They are tied by the closest of all bondsneurotic pain-giving; the
experience of pain dealt and received; pain as an aspect of love; apprehended as a knowledge of
what the world iswhat growth is.
Nelson is about to leave his wife; he will neveyilai:
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